Some day, we’ll have a great modern film about the Three Musketeers. We’ve had some near-successes, and some absolute disasters. But some day, we’ll have something great.
This is not that day.
Here’s the trailer for Paul W. S. Anderson’s The Three Musketeers. The cast is pretty slick — Matthew MacFadyen, Luke Evans and Ray Stevenson as the Musketeers, Logan Lerman as the young D’Artagnan, Christoph Waltz as the villainous Cardinal Richlieu, and Milla Jovovich and Orlando Bloom (OK, mostly slick) as his evil partners in crime. It also stars Juno Temple, Mads Mikkelsen, and Til Schweiger.
And here’s the first trailer:
Yeah. So that’s pretty goddamn ridiculous. It looks like many of Anderson’s films — colorful, action-heavy, imaginative… and melodramatic and ri-goddamn-diculous. The cast looks like they’ll have some fun, but the action and set pieces remind me of blather like Jonah Hex — unrealistic, goofy and way too over the top. Which means that while it may be a light, sometimes fun movie, it’s going to be a shit adaptation of Dumas’ novel. And that dialogue… oof. Oh well. It’s nice to see Matthew MacFadyen getting work (I’m a recent “Spooks” convert), I suppose. Honestly, Orlando Bloom (and seriously, we need to talk about that hair) aside, I love everyone in the film. I just fear that they’ll be wasted here.