I’ll admit it: I love movie trailers. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t have the opportunity to see every movie that comes out, but I literally watch every single trailer. I find them fascinating, and the bad ones? The bad ones are sometimes the best. So here are three horror/action movie trailers that came out this week:
First, we have Hollow, yet another bland looking found footage Blair Witch ripoff. It smacks of rip-off so much that it should just preemptively start paying out settlement money. But wait! This takes place in England, so it’s totally different. Blergh:
Next is The Barrens, which stars the dude from “True Blood” that isn’t Alexander Skarrasragraarad. Or whatever. Anyway, it’s about the Jersey Devil, which is another mysterious bugaboo that Americans invented because 300 years ago no one knew what swamp gas was. This one is about a British dude who might be seeing an evil whatchamafrig… or might be going crazy. Since he’s inexplicably vacationing in The Jerz, it’s probably the latter. It also stars Mia Kirshner, and I kinda want to hug her and tell her everything will be alright. The trailer makes little sense and appears to have been filmed by someone trapped in an eternal apoplectic seizure.
And finally, we come to Death Race: Inferno, the second sequel to the 2008 shitshow of a remake. Actually, the 2008 film was mildly — if stupidly — entertaining. There are three reasons for that: Jason Statham, Joan Allen, and Ian McShane.
Guess what three people are not in this sequel? Yeah. That pretty much tells you what you want to know. It’s directed by the guy who did The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption. In related news, there’s a movie called The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption, which is both hilarious and sad at the same time.
I want to be excited about it since it takes place in South Africa, but my loyalty to my homeland only goes so far. Not even Danny Trejo and Ving Rhames can save this. The trailer is the cinematic equivalent of a pool of drowned idiots.