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The Bad Touch

By Brian Prisco | Trailers | June 18, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Trailers | June 18, 2009 |

What made the original Stepfather so unnerving was the performance of Terry O’Quinn, “Lost’s” John Locke. O’Quinn’s got that nice, quiet folksy charm about him — like a midwest farmer. He’s respectable, dignified, and it’s easy to forget that he carries a pitchfork, axe and shotgun in the back of his truck. He can and will kill you, bury you in the far cornpatch, and use your nutrients to enrich his produce. O’Quinn was so menacing in The Stepfather because he keeps the same general expression on his face whether he’s making you a sandwich or making you INTO a sandwich.

The reboot looks completely Dubba-Dubba-Dubbya-Beed. First of all, we’ve got the addition of Amber Heard, who I think is actually one decent role away from being somebody other than a masturbatory fantasy. But she’s not doing much for the cause by pairing up with one of the mannequins from the Old Navy ads.

The Stepfather’s being played by “Nip/Tuck’s” Dylan Walsh, who’s totally creepy for entirely different reasons. Walsh is more of your explosive spaz — he goes from normal, loving, all-American, grill-cooking, white suburban dad to foaming maniac in under five. Watching him going asstastically nutballs on “Nip/Tuck,” with those full-body muscle clenches where you can see the tendons in his neck stand out like a 95-weakling version of the Hulk, is the best part of the show. I actually approve of the casting, because it seems like their taking it in a different direction.

However, they’re pretty much giving everything away in the trailer. I mean, they give it away by virtue of the fact that they’re remaking a movie about an insane Stepfather. But seriously, this trailer looks like they literally skipped chapter by chapter through the DVD and cut together every five seconds. I’m honestly surprised we don’t see Walsh dead in a corner, venged with a steak knife by Sela Ward.

Though I do admit, I like the dangling jigsaw. Particularly if it hits. Then again, it’s PG-13, so we all know it’s not going to make contact.

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