Holy fucking hell.
OK, look. We show you some shit trailers around here. I understand that. We have to, you know? I mean, that’s what we do — we look at shitty stuff and we bitch about it. And man, have we seen some absolutely putrid, horrendously bad, ball-stabbingly awful garbage around these parts.
I say this without hyperbole: This trailer is worse than all the bad trailers you’ve seen this year combined. You will have one of two possible reactions: Either you’ll immediately begin drinking whatever household cleaning products you can find, and possibly pour boiling water into your eyes, or you’ll try to find my house and show up with pitchforks and torches. I wouldn’t even blame you. I’ll still kill anyone who comes near my house, you stalker freaks, but still — no blaming.
Jackie Chan — you have officially exhausted what minuscule iota of goodwill I may have once had for you. This cast listing is a murderers’ row of nauseating shitterific crapulence. A movie that stars George Lopez AND Billy Ray Cyrus? One of them is cruel. Two of them together is an abomination in the eyes of God, and will likely blow a hole in the planet, sending us careening off our axis and into the fucking sun. And after seeing this trailer, you’ll fucking beg for it. You must watch it. I command you. Not because it’s so-bad-it’s-good. It’s not. It’s soul-searingly painful. I just want someone to feel the pain that I felt.
You watched it, didn’t you? You sick bastards.