I watch a lot of kids movies these days, many of which I don’t bother reviewing because I don’t know what to say about them and you don’t fucking care. Did you really need to know that Cars 3 was “fine”? Or that Captain Underpants was a surprisingly fun, irreverent mix of witty and potty humor? (OK, yeah, maybe I should’ve reviewed that one). It’s just that, as a parent, I know that most kids movies are critic proof. I’m not going to take my kids to a Smurfs movie or anything, but if it looks halfway decent, I’ll take the kids, because I’ll take the kids to nearly anything that is age appropriate because I love taking the kids to the movies. It’s my thing.
Most kids movies range from harmless diversions (The Boss Baby) to better than most live action films (Moana, The LEGO Batman Movie). I can honestly say that I’ve only had one excruciating miserable experience watching a kid flick in the theater, which was 2013’s Cars spin-off, Planes with Dane Cook, a movie that was originally meant to go straight to VOD and for good reason. That movie was f*cking brutal.
I think, however, that it’s found some new competition:
I hate My Little Pony. Patton Oswalt can apparently get into it, but I think it’s sh*t, and this “friendship is magic” theme on the show is bullshit because to illustrate it, there’s usually some mean-girl ponies who offer up the examples of what not to be, and those bad examples are fucking toxic. These ponies turn into bossy, abusive little shits, all so that someone can say at the end of the episode, “Don’t be like that!” Seriously, these girl ponies are hypocritical assholes who constantly cut each other down and vilify one other as a way to impart their shitty little morality tales. It’s poison.
In fact, the only good thing about My Little Pony is the song “Raise this Barn,” because it sounds like the hillbilly pony is singing “Racist Barn,” and with these little fuckers, you wouldn’t put it past them.
Jump up my ass, Applejack. All these ponies are jerks.