Just in case you thought I was sitting on my ass, drinking whiskey and eating Reese’s Cups all day while Paheeba Day took place, I wanted to show you the fruits of my day off. I’ve been busy, you see. In my laboratory.
No, not that laboratory. Nothing undead was involved. Well, not exactly, anyway. But I was creating monsters. You see, this whole zombhie invasion thing? It’s taking too fucking long. It’s cumbersome. I’ve decided to try to take over the world using a brand new method, through a machine that I stole from a top secret Hollywood lab. I call it “The Schmaltz-O-Cheezinator 7000™.”
And you will rue the day, people. RUE. THE. DAY. It will rain horror and devastation across the land. All I need is to take a few key ingredients … a few cliched lines here, a bubble-gum pop star there, a vapid, talentless young man with a toothy grin and good abs, and a couple of actors you may have once respected. Oh, and some decent source material. I KNOW! Nicholas Sparks!
I throw them all into The Schmaltz-O-Cheezinator 7000™, turn a couple of dials, pour in the right mixture of chemicals, poisons, dead souls, lamb’s blood, and live, adorable kittens, and this is what comes out…
Welcome to your doom.