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The Bleeding Trailer: You Will Watch It, You Will Love It, And You Will Hate Yourself

By TK Burton | Trailers | February 22, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Trailers | February 22, 2011 |

This is either the worst or the most entertaining trailer I’ve ever seen. Or somewhere in between. I do know that it’s never going to see the inside of a movie theater. But The power of Vinnie Jones in a wig compelled me to watch it, and there’s a strange, black tar heroin-like allure to it. It’s so awful, so horrible, and yet… I just couldn’t stop.

This is the trailer for The Bleeding, which sounds like the title of a Cannibal Corpse album. Oh, wait. It is the title of a Cannibal Corpse album. Appropriate, I suppose. Here’s the gloriously brief, painful synopsis:

An ex-Army Ranger searching for the killer of his parents discovers a family of vampires in a former chemical weapons factory-turned-nightclub.

Right. Here’s the thing: if Hollywood was ever consumed in an holy cleansing fire, and the earth was salted and made barren, and then arsenic and mercury used to soften that soil, this cast is what would rise out of that wretched land. I can’t wait to see it. Because it has the following things:

-Michael Madsen as a cowboy-hat wearing, bespectacled priest.
-Vinnie Jones, who truly will show up in anything. I think I saw him in an ad for the new burger joint that opened up down the street from me.
-Armand Assante:

(to answer your question, yes, we are compelled to post this whenever his name is uttered)
-DMX, looking sad and a little hungry. I want to buy him a snack and pat him on the head and tell him that maybe he should just buy a nice house in the suburbs somewhere, that And Then There Was X was a long time ago.
-Kat Von D, who simply won’t go away no matter how hard I ignore her.
-Someone named Michael Matthias, who wants so very much to be Vin Diesel, but just isn’t.
-And Rachelle Leah, who as best as I can tell serves as some sort of ring girl for UFC fights, and now is “acting.”

Fun fact: This movie wrapped in 2009, but it’s been sitting on a shelf for two years waiting to get picked up. Anchor Bay finally agreed to. God only knows why.

You bet your ass I’m watching this.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.