This is bad. So bad.

If you possess any charisma whatsoever, avoid this trailer because Jamie Dornan will suck it into his black hole. Every single line in this trailer is like scraping a Wartenberg Pinwheel across a chalkboard, and whenever Dakota Johnson speaks you can actually see the ellipses on the page. “OK … I will have dinner with you … because I am … hungry … but we are only talking and …. that is it.”

There is not enough foreplay in the world to prepare you for a f*ck this dry.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.