Sometimes, I hate Tobe Hooper. I mean, I love him for creating The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which remains one of my favorite horror movies. I hate him for either creating or inspiring nearly everything that came after it. It’s been reborqueled to death — 2003 had the Marcus Nispel’s gruesome remake that starred Jessica Biel and actually wasn’t terrible, and 2006 had Jonathan Liebesman’s horrendous The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning.
Here is the trailer for the cleverly titled Texas Chainsaw 3D. Yes, we’re not even using the word “Massacre” anymore. Which makes sense, because now the title is as bland and unimpressive as the film looks. It’s yet another “pretty people in the middle of nowhere getting slaughtered,” a genre that can actually work if done with a modicum of intelligence.
This does not appear to be like that. Rather, it’s yet another dull, lazy looking horror remake, much like 2010’s Nightmare On Elm Street and 2009’s Friday the 13th remakes (although the latter at least had the occasional moment of tension). This one looks worse than both of those. It stars a collection of blandly attractive youngsters (I’ll make an exception for Alexandra Daddario, who is rather striking, but still not particularly talented) who all either wear midriff baring shirts or no shirt at all, it’s got jump scares, it’s got a chainsaw, and I’m already bored.
So here’s the trailer. Watch it, just so you can kill 120 seconds of your life.