I see so many goddamn trailers, they start to blend together. Not in a fun mash-up of Did You Hear About The Morgans vs. Saw sort of way, but rather the same five songs every hour on commercial radio manner. I frequent the same theatre whenever I can, so they usually play the same three trailers interspersed with a few more.
Every year, it seems they release a new goddamn heist film, where a group of wily master criminals either a) hit a bank for that one last big score or b) hit an armored car for that one last big score. I used to work in a bank. At most, in cash, you’re going to be getting a few hundred thousand dollars. It actually costs more to shoot Paul Walker looking like he’s robbing a bank than what you would get in the score. Couple that with the fact that it takes almost five to eight guys to pull the bank job, and you’re looking at coming away with less than the money down on a nice suburban three-bedroom. Crime doesn’t pay.
But since I like explodey shit, I figure, one movie’s the same as the other. And for those of you watching football, undoubtedly, you’ve seen the trailer for Armored, a heist film about criminals hitting an armored car with a man on the inside. It stars Lawrence Fishburne, Matt Dillon, and Columbus Short:
And I’m thinking to myself. I swear I just saw that. And then I realized, when watching the trailers before Precious (which included the ridiculous over-dramatic “Guiding Light” remix background trailer for I Know What You Did Last Get Married Too — that the audience actually laughed at), I HAD seen it before. Except this version was called Takers, and it starred Chris Brown, T.I., Idris Elba, Paul Walker, Hayden Christensen, and….Matt Dillon again?
Now there are subtle differences, I’m sure. One’s about a group of master criminals hitting an armored truck and then double crossing one another, kind of like Reservoir Dogs. The other is about a group of master criminals hitting an armored truck and then double crossing one another, kind of like Reservoir Dogs. But they’re totally different.
Just like rap music.