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Near, Far, Wherever You Are, I F*cking Hate You All

By TK Burton | Trailers | November 17, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Trailers | November 17, 2011 |

The amount of arrogance in this project is staggering. First of all, I hate the idea of 3D-izing older films. It’s idiotic and it’s virtually guaranteed to look like crap. Hell, post-production 3D for films that came out this year look like crap. I don’t care if technomagicmastermind James Cameron is behind it.

Second of all, it’s fucking Titanic, which is one of the most bloated, obnoxious films ever, a monument to the moviegoing public’s poor taste and a worldwide embarrassment. It’s a testament to Cameron’s vast ego, a horrendously written, boring as shit film that takes an hour and forty-five minutes to become even remotely interesting. It’s got a strong collection of actors, which salvages it — barely. It beat out L.A. Confidential, Good Will Hunting, and The Full Monty for best picture, and Cameron won Best Director over Atom Egoyan (The Sweet Hereafter), Gus Van Sant, Curtis Hanson, and Peter Catteneo. Oh, and Celine fucking Dion beat out Elliott Smith’s gorgeous “Miss Misery”. Sure, the blame for these things lies squarely on the shoulders of the Academy, but the 70th Academy Awards were the final wad of spittle in the eyes of discerning movie watchers.

Worse, the hype surrounding the film was insane and frankly, kind of disgusting. It was the Twilight of 1997. Before there was R-Patz and K-Stew, there was Leo and Kate, and it was brutal to endure those days. Of course, both of them went on to absolutely fantastic careers, and one could make the case that Titanic was a big help, but still. Cameron and his “King of the world” shtick at the Oscars was awful, the song by Celine fucking Dion (fuck you sideways with a rusty bow saw, Canada), the marketing, the fact that it made a murgrillion dollars, the whole shebang.

I’m not a fan, is what I’m saying.

But here’s the trailer 2D for the 3D re-release (!), because Cameron needs his ego stroked even more. It opens with “the worlds most beloved and acclaimed film.” I read that and I wanted to murder the internet.

Celine fucking Dion. Goddamn it.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.