Is there some sort of Hollywood law that says that comedy actors who hit a certain level of fame must spend the second stage of their careers doing an inordinate number of family films? Eddie Murphy. Will Ferrell. Ben Stiller. Mike Myers. Jim Carrey. Stop it. Lay the fuck off. Get away from my children! You’re causing brain damage. Stop ruining classic children’s stories. You think 70 years ago, when Richard Atwater wrote Mr. Popper’s Penguins, that he imagined a future where a man who gained fame by talking out of his ass would play the lead character in the cinematic adaptation of his film? Are these movies a goddamn excuse for filthy-rich actors to trade in their name, mug for the camera, and collect a goddamn paycheck? Cut it out! Our kids deserve better. They are the future, after all. And if they continue to grow up on Ben Stiller and Jim Carrey family films, their brains are going to rot out of their goddamn heads and no one will be left to fund my Social Security checks.
Here’s the teaser trailer for Mr. Popper’s Penguins. It looks kind of cute (well, the dance sequence, anyway). Shut up.