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Greasy Werewolf Boners. Oh My!

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | September 29, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | September 29, 2009 |

Hey Folks! We’re less than two months away, now, from the Twilight sequel, New Moon, and if you’re like me, you’re absolutely ravenous for every little shred of New Moon news, images, trailers, and Official New Moon menstrual blood. Tickets are probably already on sale online, but I think this weekend, I’m going to start camping out at my local theater for tickets to the third showing (real fans avoid the first two showings — you can’t hear the movie over all the orgasmic squeals in the audience).

I’ve already pilfered the life-size cardboard stand-ups of the New Moon characters from my local theater — it’s a New Moon orgy every night in my bed. But these new movies posters have really set my heart into rapid-fire pitta-patter, although I’m now hooked up to a pacemaker, which sets aside every fourth heartbeat, which I’m stockpiling for Robert Pattinson, should he suffer from arrhythmia someday. I’ve also stopped drinking, should Taylor Lautner someday need a kidney. I want it to be extra shiny for him.

There are a lot of new character images for the movie, but I can’t post them all here without spontaneously combusting from erotic delight. You can see them all here. I will, however, share three:


Just look at the way Pattinson’s bony hand is pressed into Bella’s back? And those eyes! Those beautiful dead eyes. Take me, Rob. Take me into your coffin and make mad passionate claustrophobic love to me!


This one features the wolves. Oh, those dreamy muscle shirts. Is that a lupine bulge I see in Lautner’s pocket, or is he just happy to see me? I see the way he’s staring at me — like he wants to bust through and eat me up with a spoon.


See that lady? That’s Dakota Fanning, people. Pederfantastic! Unless she gets in the way of my men. Then, I will cut her. Oh, and there’s some dude named Michael Sheen, there. Don’t know anything about him.

Danny Trejo in Predators | Dare Trailer

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.