Below is the trailer for Legend of the Guardians, a computer-animated adaptation of the popular children’s book series, Guardians of Ga’Hoole, which is so popular I’ve never heard of it. It appears to be about some owls who “protect the innocent and vanquish evil.” It’s a very pretty looking movie, and the song that they chose for the trailer seems to want to be a bad 80’s version of the Arcade Fire song used in the Where the Wild Things Are trailer. It’s hard to say, really, what’s going on, in part because I got bored about halfway through and zoned out. Both times I attempted to watch it.
So, great. Zack Snyder made a kiddie movie. Here’s my problem with it. I like Zack Snyder. I think he’s an outstanding director, notwithstanding some of the mistakes he made with Watchmen (which was a much better movie than I’d expected) and the fact that I didn’t really care for 300. But, Snyder’s got an immense amount of talent and a unique style and even when he misfires, he does so in an interesting way. And it’s at least clear that he’s trying. So, why’s he wasting his time on a goddamn kid’s film? He should be saving us from bland bi-weekly computer animated flicks, not contributing to the problem that some of us are facing, namely that we are desperate for a decent fucking film. I hate the first quarter of the year. Every goddamn year, y’all. Week after week after week of crap. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a great film in the theater. I think Sherlock Holmes was the last film I really liked. That was Christmas.
I’m just so bored with the fucking generic kid’s films and the two-month dumping grounds I have to suffer through every year. It’s fun for the first few weeks — vent via review. But after two months? Give me something I can work with. And stop with these kid’s films. If you’re not Pixar, just quit. Give it the fuck up. Go home. Stop bothering me with your average fucking films. That goes for the entire fucking city of Hollywood. If you’re not striving for excellence, just stop, man. There are so many good ideas out there, so much talent, so much vision, and still, we get Cop Out or Leap Year or When in Rome Nobody that saw those scripts thought: Hey! This looks like a winner! They thought: We’ll dump this in February and make a few bucks because of the lack of competition. That’s not how to run a goddamn business. If you’re already going to spend six months making a movie, why not put a little fucking effort into it? Why not add some honest humor? Why not give the characters some dimension? Why not do what they fucking pay you a shitload of goddamn money to do: Make a film that doesn’t fucking suck?
Yes. It’s hard to do, sometimes. But you do it. You do it because you fucking love your job and you want to make something that you can respect. But the people in Hollywood — they honestly do not have any self-respect any more. They don’t mind embarrassing themselves for a few million dollars. Come the fuck on. And you’re not making something that you honestly want to watch yourself, then don’t fucking make it. And get off my lawn you pissants.
Just try. That’s all I’m asking. Just fucking try! Put some effort into your craft. Try to care just a little bit about what 5 million people are going to waste two hours of their lives watching. Make us laugh. Make us cry. Befuddle us. Confuse us. Mindfuck us. Entertain us! Just stop boring us . Stop being lazy, check-cashing mothefuckers wasting our goddamn time with your pathetic fucking movies. And that goes double for you, Kevin Smith.
Here’s the trailer for Legends of the Guardian. I’m going to go watch a shitty movie now.