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John Carter of Mars Trailer: If Taylor Kitsch's Abs Could Talk, They'd Tell His Mouth to Shut Up

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | July 15, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | July 15, 2011 |

I love Tim Riggins. He’s fantastic. He’s fun for the whole family. In fact, last year during SXSW, Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate heard that he was filming in Austin and called me to tell me that I could put him on my Five Freebies list on her behalf. I don’t know how that would work exactly, but when it comes to Taylor Kitsch, these things can be worked out.

Unfortunately for Riggins, he’s not a very good actor. In fact, he might be kind of horrible. He can run his fingers through his hair better than anyone, and he does a nice Hollywood version of a Texas accent, which is strange since he’s from Canada. But ask anything of him beyond that, and hearing him speak makes your jaw hurt. That New Orleans’ accent he had as Gambit? Deplorable. The South African accent he sported in The Bang Bang Club, woah nelly (sorry, I didn’t mean to get 1940s on you). He is only allowed one voice-over line in the entire trailer for John Carter for Mars, and you already get the sense that Taylor Kitch might do a lot better with a voice double, someone else to deliver his lines while he flexes his pecs.

The actual trailer for John Carter of Mars is interesting, mostly in that I don’t know what the f*ck is going on. It’s about a guy who is inexplicably transported to Mars, where he has to protect the natives from … Martians? There are spaceships and people that ride horses. It looks like someone tried to cram way too many genres into one film, and asked poor pretty Kitsch to try and carry it.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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