Beatrix Potter’s classic childrens’ stories have delighted generations of kids, thanks to their genteel earnestness and timeless simplicity. They will stand the test of time for many generations to come and I’m sure that people like me who grew up with their collection of Potter works will pass them on to the next era. It was perhaps inevitable that a movie of some kind would be made of her most famous creation, Peter Rabbit, particularly since the live-action adaptation of Paddington Bear ended up being a surprise delight. Still, I didn’t expect to feel this personally attacked by what we got.
There it is. Just watch it. If I have to live with the pain of that, so do you. If I must be tainted by the sound of James fucking Corden turning one of my childhood heroes into a cool-talking party animal, you should be in this circle of hell with me. If I have to spend hours pondering what crushing debt Domhnall Gleeson must owe in order to sign up to this movie, where he’s screeching like a Jim Carrey impersonator during Mardi Gras, SO SHOULD YOU! Seriously, did the director pull Domhnall’s dad from a house fire or something?
Yeah, Peter Rabbit is timeless and adorable, but he’s also earnest and you can’t milk that for funky fresh flava that the kids these days love. Where are the jokes about nudity? Where’s the partying pig? How can we turn this into something we can slap on Happy Meal boxes and do a Carpool Karaoke tie-in to?
This offended me.