Several years ago, my sister and I were visiting my parents in South Africa and we went to one of the most beautiful goddamn places on earth, Tsitsikamma National Park. While we were there, we were crossing a rope bridge that extends across what’s known as Storm’s River, when my sister and I were seized by the kind of madness that only occurs when we’re together. We impulsively scaled the rope railings, and leaped into the ocean below. It was a bracing, breathless affair that scared my poor mother half to death, and to this day remains one of the most invigorating… and stupidest things we’ve ever done (and believe me, that’s a long-ass list). It was only later, when we were regaling our cousins with our tale of exhilaration and bravery, that we realized just how stupid. My cousins sat there, gaping at us, until one of them said, “you know… you know that they take people shark cage diving there, right?”
No. No, I did not know that.
Anyway, that brings me to today’s exciting post. Not that you goddamn buckets of chum deserve it, but I figured that, since it is obviously the coolest week of the whole friggin’ year — aka Shark Week — and in honor of our foolhardy brush with death by idiocy, I’d round up all of the shark-related movie news in one convenient package. Read it, and then stick your head in an oven.
First off, we’ve got Bait, the upcoming collaboration between writer Bret Easton Ellis and director Paul Schrader (Taxi Driver). That’s a hell of a team, and the last pair I would pick to direct a movie about sharks. But Bait isn’t just any shark movie — it’s a twisted revenge tale of warped class conflict. Here’s the very lengthy synopsis (via Slashfilm):
Cole is a quiet young man, unassuming, who works as waiter at a posh beach club. But underneath his polite demeanor is a suppressed rage at hte wealth and bounty that surrounds him and is out of his reach. The arrogance and dismissive nature of the rich fuels his anger at the unfairness of the world, and he is a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
One night, a group of these elite kids build a bonfire on the beach and party into the late hours, drinking, dancing, swimming and having fun. Cole, off duty, watches the festivities out of sight. When he moment is right, he hesitantly strikes up a conversation with the pretty Haley. But when her boyfriend Ryan spots the two talking, he is incensed and aggressively confronts Cole. In spite of Haley pleading to let him be, Ryan and his friends beat Cole to the ground and then humiliate him before the crowd. It’s the trigger that sends Cole over the edge.
The next day the hung over friends plan to spend the day on Ryan’s father’s luxurious yacht. Haley had slipped this bit of information to Cole during their talk, and Cole is determined to exact his revenge. He disposes of the yacht’s first mate and reports for duty, claiming to the Captain to be the first mate’s friend, who had to go away on unexpected business. The Captain obliges and Cole stows beneath deck while Ryan and his friends climb aboard. When they get too far out to sea to be spotted from the shore, Cole kills the Captain. Waiting until everyone is in the water, Cole unleashes his sinister plan of revenge. His weapon of choice is a school of sharks smelling blood and slowly circling the boat. As Cole steadily picks off each of his enemies, their desperate chances for survival grow slimmer and slimmer.
It sounds like grindhouse takes to the seas. And Schrader’s track record hasn’t been great as of late (Dominion, anyone?). But it’s sharks and rich people getting their comeuppance. I’m intrigued.
Next, we have the trailer for Shark Night 3D, which we already already posted but I’m giving you again because, well, because it’s fuckin’ Shark Week, damn it. It’s pretty people getting eaten by sharks. It looks dumb as hell, but, you know, sharks.
And finally, we have the trailer for… um… Bait. No, not the same Bait as above. This one is far more ridiculous. And of course, it’s also in 3D. It’s one of those ____ in a ____ movies. This time, it’s “Sharks In A Supermarket/Parking Garage.” No, really. It’s got some truly ridiculous ideas, and some piss-poor shark effects. Also, the sharks roar. Yes, I said roar. Watch the trailer:
I mean, damn. That’s some dumb shit there. I’ll watch the ass off it.
So there you have it, sharklingers. You’re bloody welcome.