I’ve tried to hate Tom Hanks, I really have. Though I don’t use the word “hate” lightly (like “love,” it’s gotten to be an overly used, watered-down expression), I really have some internal desire to be filled with disgust at the sight of Hanks, but he’s so damned likable, I can’t seem to do it. There is no movie that irks me more than Forrest Gump. If I had ever been anywhere in his vicinity, I’d have stuck out my foot and tripped that motherfucker, braces and all. It irritates the shit out of me that Tom Hanks won an Oscar for that monotone, slow-talking, dispassionate, cornball “performance.” On top of that, like Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, Gwynnie, Angelina and Brad, Hanks has hit that point where one really can’t see him on the screen and forget that he’s Tom Hanks. He doesn’t disappear into character anymore; he’s a MEGASTAR.
This trailer is abominable. Roberts is (as usual) awful; she can’t even pull off a believable drunk. Whenever I see that stupid shot that all Julia Roberts movies seem to throw in—the one where she looks over her shoulder with that mile wide, shit-eating grin—I want to slap it off her face. The plot is stupid and corny and only the crowd at the Century Village dollar theater is going to believe that Hanks and Roberts have a single iota of chemistry between them. Hanks looks like a moron in his little scooter helmet. The music sucks. Couldn’t they at least get Meg Ryan? (Maybe she’s “freshening up” again?) It’s so bad, you may as well watch it so you can help me adequately describe how horrible it is and warn off everyone you know. Just make sure you haven’t eaten within the hour, because you may need to vomit.
See? You want to hate him, but you can’t—right? There are no rumors of him cheating on his wife, he doesn’t seem to be a Scientologist and he hasn’t written any cookbooks. Asshole.
Larry Crowne also stars Bryan Cranston (*sob*), George Takei, Jon Seda, Nia Vardalos, Cedric the Entertainer, Ian Gomez, Pam Grier and Wilmer Valderrama and will desecrate theaters July 1, 2011.