Or maybe he was just really into finger painting? To be honest, I wasn’t exactly clear about that point when I watched nine unrelated-except-by-virtue-of-being-in-the-same-movie-and-having-the-same-three-actors minutes of This Means War, an espionage romantic comedy thriller starring Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hardy, and Chris Pine. But I did glean the following morsels of knowledge, and I’m pretty sure they’re right on like Donkey Kong, Jr.

• Reese Witherspoon is more adorable (and much sexier) now than she’s ever been (excepting, possibly, Walk the Line).*
• It is incredible how easy it is to sneak around the home of somebody you’re dating — while they’re in the house — and, yet, only mildly creepy.**
• Tom Hardy takes paintball far too seriously and is a horrible, no-good, low-down cheater.***
• Hardy is also a pro, or, at least, he takes nut-shots like one.****
• Chris Pine only has one acting mode: Full-On Captain Kirk.*****
• The CIA has nothing better to do than spy on their secret agents’ romantic prospects.******
• Not only that, but Hardy and Pine seem to be the only two agents not working directly with each other who talk. At all.*******
• If This Means War is successful, director McG owes Antonio Prohias and Doug Liman some serious cash, or, at least, a personalized Thank You card.********
• Chelsea Handler can’t not be dreadful in anything she does.*********

The clips themselves range from mildly entertaining to progressively grating, as though nobody involved knew when to call cut or make the edit to end the scene. If you’ve liked the majority of SNL sketches for the past 20 years, you’ll probably love This Means War. That said, the bits shown here look to make a somewhat more entertaining movie than the earlier trailer. Take a gander and make up your own minds. You can certainly find worse ways to spend 540 seconds:

* Though, who doesn’t look good grooving to “This Is How We Do It?”

** I would have thought the opposite on both.

*** YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO SHOOT FIRST WHEN YOU’RE THAT CLOSE.

**** Instant Karma, it’s gonna get ya.

***** This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

****** Which is actually totally believable and probably explains why they, and other agencies, dropped the ball on 9/11.

******* See above.

******** On further inspection, Simon Kinberg had a hand in the screenplays for both Mr. and Mrs. Smith and This Means War. So, really, McG and Kinberg owe the Prohias estate a check and an apology.^

********* Maybe we should just give her a lifetime mulligan and move on to less depressing targets to shame and ridicule?

^ Or, at least, a nice edible bouquet.

Rob Payne also writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his ware can be purchased here (if you’re into that sort of thing). One of his favorite novels as a teenager was Mark Z. Danielewski’s House of Leaves.

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