Dear Amanda Seyfried,
Look, here’s the thing. You seem like a genuinely nice person, and I loved your bits in “Veronica Mars.” It’s when I first learned about you, and I was quite enamored, even though you frequently appeared with blood and goo all over you. Regardless, I had high hopes. You were also very funny in Mean Girls, which was a cool movie but we won’t talk about that Lindsay girl, because goddamn did her career shit the bed.
The thing is, Amanda, you’re kind of fucking up right now. You did that hooker movie where you were naked a lot, and then you did that stupid Little Red Riding Hood movie, which was majorly bad. Like, OH MY FUCKING GOD bad. And Jennifer’s Body? Eesh, woman. Seriously? Then you did a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel, and I started to wonder if you had a coke habit or if someone had pictures of you doing terrible things, or if maybe you just don’t have a soul.
Then you did In Time, which was also not great. Now, I just watched the trailer for Gone, and I gotta say — Amanda, if you want to do Lifetime movies crossed with an episode of “Law And Order: People Are Fucked,” there has to be a better way.
I mean, Wes Bentley is in this, Amanda.
Look, little lady, I mean this in the kindest, most helpful, gentlest and most supportive way possible:
Get your fucking shit together.