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Get Yourself to a Place Where It's Safe to Poop Your Pants: 'The Witch' Trailer

By Cindy Davis | Trailers | August 20, 2015 |

By Cindy Davis | Trailers | August 20, 2015 |

I effing love horror movies; I effing despise horror movies. I’m the girl who watches the scary scenes through the cracks between my fingers, held over my eyes — like this:


Okay, that gif is even kinda creepy, but you catch my drift. And yes, I do that even with the movies I’ve seen a bajilion times — I know exactly when Michael Myers is going to pop up behind Jamie Lee Curtis, and I STILL HAVE TO CONTAIN THE TERROR BY PEEKING THROUGH MY FINGERS. So basically, I’m going to have a heart attack when I watch this one, because I barely made it through the trailer without pooping my pants.

It’s simple titles like The Witch you have to be extra wary of, Halloween, Psycho, The Shining…The Exorcist, like, oh, you know — NBD, just a little Witch movie; how bad can it be? Or how good — good enough to win Best Director prize, and not at a Horror fest, but at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. That’s pretty damned impressive, especially for first time director/writer, Robert Eggers.

Starring Anya Taylor-Joy (Atlantis), Ralph Ineson (Game of Thrones, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), Kate Dickie (Game of Thrones, Filth) and Julian Richings (Hannibal, Supernatural, Orphan Black), The Witch has a simple premise: a 17th century New England Puritan family moves into the woods (never a smart move, imo), and weird shit begins to happen — as it’s bound to if you move INTO THE WOODS. Come on, people! It’s not rocket science!

Anyway, put on your plastic panties (don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about), and get to a safe space, because here’s the creeptastiest trailer of the year. Even if you don’t suffer anal leakage, you may dribble a little pee.







Forget that it’s the daughter who may or may not be a witch; that mother is terrifying.

The Witch is scheduled for a 2016 release.

Cindy Davis, (Twitter)

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