I’ve avoided most mention of Tom Cruise’s Rock of Ages, because none of the header pictures had the prerequisite trappings of science fiction to make the film any good. I’m not saying that a film has to be science fiction to be good, but if I’m going to click on a movie that seems to be defined by Tom Cruise topless and with long hair, then he damn well better be hunting a unicorn or something.
Here’s the trailer for Rock of Ages:
Oh wow, a fantastic cast with fake hair singing old eighties songs. If I wanted to watch karaoke with artificial drama stapled on I’d already be watching “The American Voice X Idol Factor.”
But, some might say, it’s got such fantastic music. No. No it doesn’t. See, I might be a musical heretic, but the one thing I do know is that there was no music between the death of Jimi Hendrix and the moment Kurt Cobain was handed a guitar by the Lady in the Lake. There was just sound that had the general form of music. And even if I were to concede that the music herein was worth listening to, I would just listen to the damned music instead of listening to covers by people who are not professional singers.
Oh, but the story, the story! Yeah I fell for that when I got dragged to Rent and Les Mis. Barring Joss Whedon, musicals cover about a paragraph of actual plot per hour. I may have woken up with shit in my cereal, but I’d rather watch another go around of Twilight than this.