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Go To Sleep My Brothers, I'm Alright To Drive

By TK Burton | Trailers | December 15, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Trailers | December 15, 2010 |

In the wake of the homoerotic promo art first image from Fast Five, all of a sudden we now have the trailer. And… wow. It is indeed fasterer and furiousitier than it’s predecessors.

It also looks completely shitballs retarded.

Not necessarily in a bad way.

The first four (fuck, four?) Fast and the Furious movies are all unequivocally, unquestionably, undoubtedly absolutely idiotic clusterfucks. They feature some absolutely hideous acting, asinine writing, and dialogue so bad it makes you want to stab someone.

I watch them every time one of them comes on cable. I can’t help it. I’m the dumbass moth to their idiot flame.

This one looks like more of the same, only with more gay subtext and Dwayne Johnson. It features every actor from the previous movies that isn’t dead, except for Lucas Black (although Sung Kang from that film will be there) because apparently Black has standards or some shit. And here’s the thing — going back and looking at all of the actors from the past four (fuck, four? Seriously?) movies, I’m struck by just how absolutely, genuinely shitty those actors are. I mean, they built a multi-million dollar, legion-of-devoted-fans, massively popular, swinging cock franchise using some of the worst actors in Hollywood. Vin Diesel (yeah, I know he can be good, but he sure as fucking pigballs isn’t good in these). Paul Walker. Tyrese Gibson (who is black and tough, if you weren’t sure by the aggravatingly stereotypical lines he’s given in every movie he’s in). Jordana Brewster (don’t. DON’T try to use her role in “Chuck” to justify her existence. She sucks). Ludacris (Seriously, Word of Mouf is a great album, but Luda… not so much with the acting skills).

It is a collection of non-talent big enough to rip a whole in the universe.

Now they’re adding The Rock and… um… Elsa Pataky, who is good at wearing a bikini. A valuable skill, to be sure, but hardly something that should get her into movies.

Anyway, here’s the trailer. It’s not really a trailer as much as it is an exhibit of the fine art of ‘asplodeyism. There’s cars, and they drive fast, and guns, and The Rock being tough while he secretly longs for Diesel’s warm embrace.

And I will likely watch it no less than ten times, and hate myself a little every time.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.