Dicks and womenfolk — I present to you the trailer to Extraordinary Measures, which is not the action thriller the title or the lead (Harrison Ford) portends.

It’s a kids-with-cancer movie.

Cue the sobs, Phil.

The premise: Brendan Fraser and Keri Russell (so cute buttons envy her) are a married couple with two kids with a rare genetic disorder that there is no known cure for. Their lives are at stake. Brendan Fraser, not one to let his kids die so easily, tracks down a cranky and eccentric genetic scientist (is there any other kind), and convinces him to find a cure. The catch: Fraser’s character needs half a million to get it done. And he’s not a rich man, Jenny. What extraordinary measures will he take? Will he suck off a goat? No! Will he murder a prostitute? No! Will he dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? No!

Clearly, he doesn’t really love his children (smite me, Jesopus, if this is based on a true story).

It’s not clear what he does to raise the money from the trailer. My guess: A triple combination bake sale, car wash, and lemonade stand. Give it up, folks.

And get out your hankies. No. Not for Keri Russell! For the tears, you assholes.

DON’T HOPE FOR A MIRACLE. MAKE ONE!

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.