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Did I Just Have a Glitter Stroke?

By Courtney Enlow | Trailers | October 26, 2010 |

By Courtney Enlow | Trailers | October 26, 2010 |

Seriously, what the fuck did I just watch?

Perhaps to cushion the blow of not being this generation’s Marty McFly, perhaps to add to his enormous hoodies-and-flat-billed-baseball-caps savings account, Justin Bieber, pied piper of the under-13 set, has gotten himself a little documentary.

And it is sparkly.

Look at him. Gaze upon his pristine visage. Cower in fear at his immobile hair. Because it’s coming out at you—PHWABAM!—in high-tech 3D.

No one loves harder than pre-teen girls. To a specific age group, these sensations are the single most important thing that has ever happened, and they will cry hysterically at the concerts, spend countless parent pennies on their wares, and defend them to the death.

Then they will forget about them.

There is exactly one act per generation with the ability to capture the hearts and minds of the world’s youth, and maintain that adoration throughout the years past the fans’ puberty. It is made much more difficult when the act in question has also not yet hit puberty (seriously, I don’t think he’s actually 16. He’s got to be maybe 14.) Miley Cyrus has already worn out her welcome with the kiddies (I know because my 10-year-old cousin said “She’s weird and gross now”) and she’s unlikely to be taken seriously by anyone older. iCarly’s Miranda Cosgrove is probably the least offensive of her demo, but that could be because I haven’t seen her vagina yet.

Teen boy acts have a more difficult time with staying power because their popularity is largely based on perceived attractiveness by young girls, who are known to be incredibly fickle (JTT, I hardly knew ye), so Bieber most likely has a shelf life of a banana. Until that point when he starts shilling for Proactiv and shuffling for the Dancing With The Stars judges to salvage his last gasps of fame and his mother’s bank account, I just wanted to ensure you were all properly warned of the glitter storm headed your way. Take shelter, and we should probably utilize the buddy system lest we get separated.

Did I mention it’s in 3D? Because it’s in 3D. A documentary about a 16-year-old boy in 3D. It’s in 3D. Bye-bye, 3D. You had a good run.

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