Dear John, which stars Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum, is the latest Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook) atrocity to hit the big screen. And the man has himself a formula: Bring two attractive people together, have them go bump in the ugly, and then separate their asses for an extended period of time, while the hausfraus in the audience drown in Kleenex.

Dear John follows the same pattern — a soldier on leave from the Iraq War falls in love with a conservative college student. Why conservative? Maybe it’s her decision: Send her man back out of love for the country, or keep him home, out of love for his 8-inch village idiot.

Granted, Dear John, in addition to Amanda Seyfried, also has Oscar nominated Lasse Halstrom on board to direct, but to be honest, he hasn’t made anything good in a decade. Rounding out the cast are also Richard Jenkins and Scott Porter, and a ridiculous callback to a thumb over the moon. Goodness groaning gracious.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.