You want the long version or the short one? OK, here’s the short version: When I was 8, after my parents split because my gay father was sleeping with a 19-year-old cashier at his store and my mother tried to take her life in front of her children and ended up in a mental institution (the one in Sling Blade!) for three months and then still managed to get custody in the ensuing divorce but lost it when my six year old brother busted open his head while I was babysitting, my mother would take us to the movies with her weekend visit because she got free movie passes from the molestering customers at the honky tonk where she was a cocktail waitress before she got Epstein Barr (total fake disease!) and retired with disability at the age of 38. (True story!)
Anyway, with these movie passes, she once took us to Conan the Barbarian, because what could be more appropriate for three children under 8 than Conan the Barbarian? Anyway, I don’t remember much about the movie at the time except that, at some point, my mother hauled us out of the movie. Not because of the violence, or the language, but because of the naked breasts.
You gotta draw the line somewhere, right?
Anyway, here’s the trailer for the Conan the Barbarian remake, which was clearly powerful enough to bring back a lot of fond memories of my childhood. Actually, it looks cheesy, terrible, and totally fucking radtastic. It’s nice to see a real action hero again, one that could lay waste to every one of this summer’s candy-ass superheroes.