But Hear Me Out, What If The Possessed Doll Were A Pissed Off Dead Girl?
Goddamn it can be exhausting being a horror movie fan, especially on the professional level. Because for every unquestionable classic of the genre—Jaws, Alien, Silence of the Lambs, or The Babadook—there’s a slew of stupid, thoughtless shlock and nonsense. There’s sloppy sequels, rancid reboots, stupid spinoffs, and putrid prequels. And into this muck comes Annabelle: Creation, the prequel to the haunted doll horror movie Annabelle, which was the subpar spinoff to the genuinely terrifying haunted house thriller The Conjuring.
Because Hollywood never tires of mucking up the things that fascinate us with bloated, unwanted backstories, Annabelle: Creation travels back to the comically creepy doll’s imagined roots in the house of a doll maker whose beloved dead daughter refused to leave.
For me, the design of this doll has been a deal breaker from the jump. Yes, there are really creepy porcelain dolls. But in the design of this one they pulled out all the stops to the point where you have to wonder why anyone would allow this clearly possessed by a pissed off poltergeist plaything into their home. The very idea of it drew outbursts of laughter from the audience when I saw Annabelle. Secondly, that’s not even remotely what the real Annabelle doll looked like. And yet here we are, doubling down because that terrible but cheap movie grossed nearly 40 times its budget.
I’m going to get stuck reviewing this trash fire. And I blame all of you for making that possible.
Kristy Puchko hates you.