I probably could find some worthwhile news to share with you this morning. Something good, something that gets your spirits up to face the day. But not even heroin spiked coffee can get your blood surging like good old fashioned loathing. These things may lead to the dark side, but I think that a little darkness is preferable to the mediocrity bubbling up out of this franchise’s still twitching corpse.
Here at long last (and probably timed just to try to steal a little thunder from Hunger Games) is a teaser trailer for the final cursed Twilight movie.
That? That’s not a teaser. It doesn’t tease us with anything except the promise that this thing might finally roll off into the bushes and stay dead. A teaser isn’t just a short trailer, it’s really its own art form. It’s fifteen seconds and a few bars from a theme song you never thought you’d hear again. It’s a red eye flashing in the dark, a light saber humming to life, a little blue box screeching. It’s the little symbols that mean nothing to anyone but the fan, the few seconds of emotional triggers that light a firestorm of memory. This? Name a single image caught in the still frame of the mind from this franchise that will have the slightest emotional resonance twenty years from now, even to the die hards who waited in lines.
Bah. The only way you could even classify this film as horror would be if they ended the movie with a “to be continued.”