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And They Said It Couldn't Be Stupider: New Battleship Trailer

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | March 14, 2012 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | March 14, 2012 |

The idea of making a film based on the table top game Battleship is so stupid that it wouldn’t be plausible as a joke. It’s so dumb it has to be true. But at the very least the previous trailers had some notion of having to do with a damned battleship. See once upon a time there was a battleship, it had impossibly pretty people saying deeply stupid things while fighting floating alien ships, but it had that core minimal requirement of being centered on a battleship.

Here’s the latest trailer, which I warn you, is so terrible that it will make you wish that I rick-rolled you:

It’s like someone watched Independence Day, and wanted to make something a bit less intellectual. It makes you want to ask endless questions all starting with the key word “why.” Why are there giant razor balls tumbling through cities? Why are there jungle settings all of a sudden? Why are there aliens in battle armor? Why did John Carter cut his hair and put a shirt on? Why with only two female roles in the film did they cast a model and a singer, instead of actresses?

But the thing that really kills me is the notion of having a non-historical film with a battleship in it at all. These are ships that have been obsolete for seventy years, since the quite eloquent Japanese presentation arguing for the primacy of aircraft carriers at the 1941 Honolulu Boat Show and Barbeque. America kept four of them around through the Cold War since they already had them, and they made a lot of impressive noise as artillery off of port cities, but retired them in the early nineties and officially decommissioned the last one six years ago. There is not a single battleship left in the world that isn’t a museum.

So help us, if there is an alien invasion, and all we’ve got left to defend us is the pinnacle of early 20th century naval technology, we better hope Goldblum and Smith are waiting in the wings to bail us out. Talk about bring a knife to a gun fight.

The only reason that trailer isn’t indistinguishable from this:

Is because it doesn’t have Michael Bay’s name on it.

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.