Here’s the thing: I live in London, England, but I’m told you guys had some sort of Colonial Handegg Finals thing last night? Like, it was televised and everything? And there were giant flags and anthems sang loudly and clearly?
I’m hoping one of the teams won? That’s cool. Teams are good. Sports teams doubly so. And if they’re on TV? Fuhgeddaboudit!
But also, there were ads, which Vivian covered last night, and movie spots, which I will now cover here.
And the way I’m gonna do this is in ascending order of excitement for the movie in question, which incidentally is inversely proportional to how much of each trailer I want to watch, because modern trailers are awful minefields of spoilers and Too Much Information.
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out Of The Shadows
Michael Bay’s CGI abominations return, but this time directed by David Green who… hasn’t really done anything thus far.
2. Gods Of Egypt
A Scotsman (Gerard Butler) and a Dane (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) do stuff in Ancient Egypt. Because that’s fine.
3. The Secret Life Of Pets
I write for a movie website, and this is the first I’m hearing of this thing. Granted, animated movies are not exactly prioritised on my radar, but I don’t know how to finish this sentence. This is the trailer though:
4. Alice Through The Looking Glass
Tim Burton doesn’t return to confuse costumes and props with characters and plot, but he is still wearing his producer’s hat for this, so who knows whether directing newcomer James Bobin (director of both Muppets movies, and co-creator of Flight of the Conchords) will manage inject some humanity into this or not.
6. Independence Day Resurgence
Honestly, I just don’t care. I’ll watch the first one if it’s on telly during a Sunday hangover, and Bill Pullman can do a hell of a speech, but that’s about it. Now the aliens are back, presumably having updated their operating systems, but we’ll beat them again.
7. Eddie the Eagle
An interesting little entity, and a telling of a story that I imagine is near unknown outside of the UK. A biopic of British ski jumper, Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards, starring Taron ‘Eggsy from The Kingsman’ Egerton, hugh Jackman, and Christopher Walken, it will probably tick a lot of underdog sports movie trope boxes and show enough heart and humanity to win some people over.
8. 10 Cloverfield Lane
This movie only really popped up quite recently, but its strange connection to the original, decent enough Cloverfield (not a sequel, but a ‘blood relative’ according to JJ. Abrams), along with the trailers and cast is making it a relatively intriguing property.
9. X-Men: Apocalypse
Right, so I love the X-Men. I think X2 is still one of the best comic book movies ever made, and I wanted to love First Class and Days of Future Past, but the former seemed like one very good movie (Xavier, Magneto, and the adults) tied to a mediocre one (the young ‘uns), and the latter had some great moments, but I personally could just could not get past Quicksilver and how he could’ve solved the rest of the movie in a few seconds had the rest of the team simply not put him on a plane back home, basically saying, ‘Okay, well we’ve got another hour to fill here, so, see you in the sequel for another five minute slot?’
Either way, I know I’m gonna go see this, but it’s looking less and less desirable with each new promotional installment.
10. Jason Bourne
That perfect time capsule of the 2000’s returns to us, with both Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass back onboard. Even though I personally always thought the first, Liman-helmed, Bourne was the best one, and the latter two (we don’t speak of you, Renner-Bourne) suffered a bit from diminishing returns and a constant state of near-nausea thanks to Greengrass’ shaky cam, the trilogy as a whole still stands as one of the finest in modern action cinema, so this may well be an enjoyable enough treat.
Maybe blame the marketing department, who are doing an almost too good a job of this, but this looks like it could genuinely be a great bit of transgressive, irreverent fun. Also Colossus.
12. Captain America: Civil War
It runs the risk of being overstuffed with characters, but the Russo Brothers did an excellent job with Winter Soldier, and combined with the rich vein that is the Civil War story, this actually has me looking forward to release date. Bring on the Cap Vs. Tony showdown!
Petr Knava plays music