film / tv / politics / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb

The First Full 'Alien: Covenant' Trailer Shows Us A New, Pretty Underwhelming Xenomorph

By Petr Knava | Trailers | March 1, 2017 |

By Petr Knava | Trailers | March 1, 2017 |

Call me a pessimist, but I am keeping my expectations firmly set to ‘meh’.

‘But Knava, Ridley Scott is back in the director’s chair for this!’

Yes, he sure is. But will this be the Ridley Scott of the polished, well-made The Martian, or will it be the Ridley Scott of Prometheus, Exodus: Gods and Kings, and Robin Hood? It all depends on whether the former was a course correction, or a fluke. Only time will tell. Smart money’s on the fluke.

‘But Knava, this is Ridley returning to a universe that he created and that the whole movie and sci-fi industry owe him a debt for!’

It is! But then, again, so was this:


‘Oh come on man, that’s not fair! Everyone knows that the fault there lay not with the direction, but with the script!’

True! Prometheus’ script was a garbage fire of too many cooks and too many re-writes. Alien: Covenant, on the other hand, is being auteur-ed by revered scribe, John Logan, of Gladiator fame. Though Logan did also pen Skyfall and Spectre, two other gorgeous but hollowed-out meringue movies of nothing; and he is not actually the only person writing Covenant. Joining him are Michael Green, Dante Harper, and Jack Paglen. Who? Well, out of those three the one with most credits to their name is Mr. Green, who has written for such TV shows as Smallville and Heroes, and who was one of the people behind the Green Lantern story. Mr. Paglen wrote the ill-received Johnny Depp vehicle, Transcendence, and for Mr. Harper Alien: Covenant is the first writing credit. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

‘But at least Scoot McNairy is in this right?!’

Nope. Though I like it that you’re asking the important questions.

‘Okay, but what is going on in the movie anyway?’

Well, we’ve got the fully-staffed (titular) ship of colonists heading towards the far side of the galaxy, where they space-stumble across a lovely-looking planet. Which looks like it’s already been settled and terraformed and even sowed with wheat!



Sure it’s a bit weird that there seems to be no other signs of life, but hey—free wheat!

And not a single ominous sight in sigh-…



There are some other interesting points to note about Alien: Covenant, but they’re a bit spoiler-y so I won’t go over them here. And, just FYI: If you wanna stay clean you shouldn’t venture into the Wikipedia page for the movie. Or much else.

I think that about covers it…


Oh, do I have to talk about that plastic, weightless Xenomorph shot? I really don’t want to. I prefer this exchange from Reddit:

‘Never before has wheat been so foreboding.’

‘Tell that to someone with celiac.’

‘The Celiacs found their home planet. Then they found that only wheat grows there. True horror. For a niche audience.’

‘Rated G for Gluten’


‘Begun, the Crohn’s war has.’

Only a Sith deals in inflammatory bowel diseases.’

‘Darth Testine’


Petr Knava
lives in London and plays music

Media Praises Leader of Free World For Not Sh*tting Himself for a Full Hour | Netflix: 'Dark' Trailer

Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.