Here’s the trailer in case you would like to watch and scroll along with my dry heaves and eye-rolls. And remember, this is extended, just like your weird co-worker’s dildo budget after reading these stupid books.
0:00 - THE EARTH HAS LOST ALL OF ITS COLORS OH MY G—it’s the logo. I get it. Darker, grey. Asses.
0:03 - The fuck is this soundtrack? “OH A OH OH OH” Is this about a plucky sports team going against all odds to win respect and a championship? Is this the intro for another Ice Age movie? No? PROVE IT, SOUNDTRACK.
0:11 - “I want you back.” Oh, did the whole ridiculously stupid relationship built on control and sexual fetishes not work out after the first movie. So strange. Super. Strange.
0:26 - Dakota Johnson’s take on Anastasia Steele (that hurt to type out and I don’t care if it is spelled correctly) is just “dead-eyed whisper marmot”, yeah? However, it is perfectly suited to the drab dialogue thus far.
0:46 - Damn, Anastanstinatino is easy to win back. One boring lunch that she pays for and it’s all boat day trips, Beauty and the Beast dances in rooms with flowers, and clothed sex in a gigantic shower. BUT WHAT IS THIS? SHITTY MASKS YOU CAN GET AT HOBBY LOBBY. TELL ME LESS!
1:11 - Oh, God. These two are the good-looking version of the horny meth heads, just grabbing bajingos in elevators and probably WalMart too. GROSS.
1:13 - I just realized that there is a second nondescript, sad-looking brunette in this trailer. I only figured it out because Anastastic turned and looked at her and there was no mirror there. WHO IS SHE? VOLTURI?
1:28 - Kim Basinger, bed scenes, sex scenes, the other creepy brunette appearing in their bedroom or kitchen. Whatever that is. Why did I think I could handle two minutes of this sack of shit weasels?
1:51 - Hahahahah, I love how Edward’s vampireness has turned into Christian and his male whoreness in these books/movies and Bella’s basically the same person in Anastaco.
2:00 - Oooh, I wonder if Second Boring Brunette kills OG Boring Brunette? Is the third movie just a funeral? Goddamn this slow news cycle.