Wake up, assholes. Good goddamn morning. Splash some vodka on your face. Drink some petroleum jelly. Throw down some bacon bits. It’s Wednesday, motherfuckers. Thanks to a nearly three-hour midnight screening of Transformers last night, I’m working on less than three hours’ sleep. I’m delirious. And if I have to write this bullshit this morning, y’all need to snap your bras or tuck your stuff between your legs to get in the frame of mind to read it.

Here we go with trade item number one:

Zac Efron, the prettiest girl in High School Musical, has lined up his next project, and because we report movie news, it’s our obligation to announce this. I’m sure you’re thrilled. Now shut the fuck up and read on.

Efron’s next movie, so far untitled, is being described as a thriller. Wait, scratch that: It’s being described as a “sexy thriller,” which is perfect, since Efron has about as much sex appeal as a brain-damaged kitten with a sock over its head.

The script comes from Leslie Dixon, who is probably the most famous screenwriter you’ve never heard of. She’s responsible for Mrs. Doubtfire, Look Who’s Talking Now, The Thomas Crown Affair, Freaky Friday, Hairspray and (shudder) The Heartbreak Kid. In fact, she’s also writing the script for Mean Girls 2.

Wait? What! There’s a Mean Girls 2? Since when? How did I miss that?

Oh wait (furiously researches) — it’s expected to be straight-to-DVD. Oh well, there you go, Efron. There’s a wagon you want to attach your burgeoning career to: The writer of Mean Girls 2 and Look Who’s Talking Now? Maybe she’ll try to bring back fetch.

Now go drown in a toilet, douchenut.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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