Not satisfied with just ruining old horror classics, Michael Bay has decided to try his explody hand at the reality action-adventure genre. His series, called “One Way Out” is gonna be like “an extreme version of “Survivor,” “The Amazing Race,” and “I don’t know anymore reality shows. Uh, ‘Cake Boss?’” See if this sounds original: Contestants go to exotic locales, compete in death-defying stunts, and then off each other one by one with dark secrets. Oh, the MOLE! That’s the other show they were thinking about. With Anderson Cooper looking even more pensive than when walking a salami rack.
My father wasn’t in Vietnam. He was an Airborne Ranger and sniper serving in Laos and Cambodia, dodging punji sticks and mortar rounds. When “Survivor” first came on the air, he watched one episode and scoffed, claiming if he were on the show, he’d disappear into the jungle, sharpen bamboo spears with a rock, and then pick off the other contestants one by one — production staff if necessary. To fully appreciate this visual, my father is a slighty taller version of me, only muscly.
It doesn’t matter how fucking dangerous they claim it is if there’s actually no danger involved. Unless Bay sets this in Siberia or Thailand or on a junk 11 eleven nautical miles off shore, and the contestants physically are tasked with murdering each other or beating the opponents into submission/traction, it’s not different. Even if it were fictional, I would still watch. Because Bay can blow shit up. But I’m sick of watching wannabe actors parasail in Paraguay and perform campfire stunts for Party City trinkets. I’ll watch Bay’s show if the contestant gets eliminated because their fractured tibia punctured their collarbone and lung. Not because Paul Reiser snuffed their citronella torch when the frontier wolfpack issued them too many failure rubies.
Sack up, Bay. It’s time for a real-life Running Man.