Will Kristen Stewart Bedazzle the Loom of Destiny?
E! Entertainment, which recently opened up a new floor in the NYC offices to house Ryan Seacrest’s hair product, is reporting that the Russian bullet-bending director, Timur Bekmambetov, has “expressed interest” in adding Kristen Stewart to the Wanted sequel, potentially to replace Angelina Jolie.
Uh, no. Why is that a bad idea? Two reasons, really: 1) The original Wanted was the first time I ever recognized the sex appeal that everyone else seems to find in Angelina Jolie, and 2) because half the joy of the first movie was in wondering if Jolie’s waif-like arms would break in half during a fight scene. (How cool would that have been?)
Oh, I forgot the biggest reason: Because Kristen Stewart is a big old ball of glittery suck who has shown absolutely no propensity for action movies. And, she’d be playing a “young, ass-kicking assassin in the Fraternity.” More like lip-biting assassin, amiright? You want to make a dumbass action movie targeted toward the Twittertwats? Fine. Make Stretch Armstrong. But you don’t take a perfectly good adult action flick (shaddup about the Loom, dill pickles) and re-orient it for a the giggly fangirl masses.
Choke on a labia, Timur Bekmambetov.
(Said choking contingent upon this story actually being true and not a Seacrestian fever dream).