Ashton Kutcher appeared on Ellen last week and played coy with the question that is at the forefront of the nation’s - nay, the world’s - mind: will Charlie Sheen return for the finale of 2.5 Men?
This is the lead headline on just about every entertainment news site out there. As well it should be, because this is the foremost drama of our time, with farther reaching impact than a dozen political scandals, more effect on our everyday lives than another financial crisis, and certainly more relevant to our health than the moderate to severe plaque psoriasis that all of our televisions want us to talk to our doctors about.
Said finale has not actually been filmed yet, presumably because the seventh seal hasn’t been broken yet.
Here’s the video:
I sincerely hope none of you watch it. I think better of you than that. But it’s not my responsibility to hide such things from you, but to lay the fork in the road before your conscience.
I have to admit to being slightly curious how and why they will explain on the show the return of a character they brutally killed off for laughs and then the rest of the characters roundly mocked. Ghost? Fake death? There’s a lot of speculation by fans of the show, but it’s difficult to translate their opinions as they are only capable of communicating in grunts and fart jokes. On second thought, I’m not even slightly curious. That would imply a faith in the showrunners to have any capacity for storytelling at all.
I was going to crack a joke that the only thing that could make me watch the show was if Charlie Sheen literally hunted Ashton Kutcher and Chuck Lorre for sport on a live feed, but then I realized that Sheen is so insane and demonstrably violent that such an event does not actually have a probability of zero. So, not making that joke.
Now some of you are probably saying, oh that’s all nice, but get to the point, will Sheen will be on the finale or not? I’m sorry, but if you had the tiger blood in your veins necessary to comprehend the truth, you would already know it.