It’s been announced that Javier Bardem is “in talks” to join the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean 5. Did you just throw up in your mouth a little bit? I thought so. And I’m sorry for that, but it’s a valid response. This is Javier, who has a solid foundation of sexy, thoughtful foreign films, who broke our collective heart in Before Night Falls, who gave us a collective eternal boner in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, who freaked us right the f*ck out in No Country For Old Men. This gorgeous, powerful yet subdued, sexy as all hell, amazing actor is going in for the most laughable of all current franchises. Now, Bardy, we will continue to respect you and give you the benefit of the doubt, but we all know there’s only one acceptable reason for signing on to the fifth installment of a movie that has long-since jumped every shark in that ocean.
Someone wants his own pirate ship, doesn’t he? That’s fine, that’s admirable. I would hope that for the kind of money you can get from debasing yourself this far is actually enough to get your own private pirate island.
With this kind of sequel cash, you could probably buy a lot of fun things. Like a lifetime supply of rum.
And fancy hats and beads and stuff. Like, a LOT of beads.
And you ARE married to Penelope Cruz. That’s a woman you must just be constantly wanting to shower with treasure.
So we get it. You want to be a pirate. That’s fine. This is your career, after all, and you’ve a swell enough job of it to not ruin it all with one silly sequel. So take all the doubloons you can get, buy your pirate toys, and then get back to your indie/political/Spanish/drama/thriller goodness, okay? Okay.
Vivian Kane doesn’t speak of ‘Eat, Pray, Love,’ and you shouldn’t either.