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Jennifer-Garner-20-Miss Marple.JPG

Why I Had to Sleep on the Couch Last Night Because of a Trade News Item

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | March 29, 2011 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | March 29, 2011 |

11:16 p.m., Monday March 28, 2011

Dustin: Guess what they’re remaking now?

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: What?

Dustin: Guess?

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: I don’t want to guess. Just tell me.

Dustin: Fine. Disney’s remaking Miss Marple into a franchise.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Oh, god. Are you serious?

Dustin: Yup. Afraid so.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: It’s going to be terrible.

Dustin: You haven’t even heard the worst part.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: It gets worse?

Dustin: Yup. This Miss Marple is going to be in her 30s.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Stop joking.

Dustin: I’m not.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Miss Marple can’t be in her 30s. That’s ridiculous. The whole point of Miss Marple is that she’s an old spinster lady who solves crime. No one suspects her of being able to solve crime because she’s an old lady.

Dustin: Hey! I’m not the one that came up with the bright idea. Don’t get mad at me.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Well, it’s just stupid.

Dustin: It gets worse, actually. Guess who they’re casting as Miss Marple?

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: I still don’t believe you that they’re remaking it.

Dustin: No. Seriously. They are. And they’ve cast Jennifer Garner as Miss Marple.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Fuck you. Shut up. It’s not funny, Dustin.

Dustin: No one said it was funny.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: You’re just making shit up to piss me off.

Dustin: No, I’m not. This is real.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: No, it’s not. No one would remake Miss Marple with Jennifer Garner. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Dustin: I’m not making it up, though. Look. I’ll prove it. It’s on The Playlist.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: That’s funny. So you know this guy? You guys made this up and posted it to fuck with me, because really, Dustin. It’s not funny anymore. I don’t want to joke, OK. Can we just go to bed?

Dustin: Seriously, I’m not making this up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: You are!

Dustin: I’m not.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Are. Can we just not talk about it anymore. Let’s go to bed, OK? This is a stupid joke and I don’t want to hear it anymore.

Dustin: It’s not a joke.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Be quiet. Go to sleep.

Dustin: Fine. But I’m not making it up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: DUSTIN!

Dustin: Whatever.

(five minutes later, after I’ve nearly fallen asleep)

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: OK. Now I can’t sleep.

Dustin: What? What are you talking about? I was asleep.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Jennifer Garner as Miss Marple? Jesus, Dustin. If you’re going to make up something, at least make up something that sounds credible.

Dustin: I’m not making it up. I swear!

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Is this one of your stupid April Fool’s jokes. Is this what you’re going to post on April 1st? Because no one will believe you.

Dustin: It’s not a joke. It’s real. I’m not making this up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Just leave. OK. I can’t deal with this right now. I have court in the morning. I need you to go sleep on the couch.

Dustin: Why? I didn’t do anything!

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Just go, OK. I’m tired of these jokes. I just need you to leave, OK.

Dustin: Fine. But I’m not making it up.

Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate: Leave!

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.