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Why I Drink, Flip to Page 74, Choose Your Own Adventure Edition

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | June 12, 2013 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | June 12, 2013 |

Giving you exactly what you want, in the worst way possible. Sometimes it seems like Hollywood is dedicated to that principle above all else, including profit motive. Nothing else can explain to me why Fox just acquired the rights to the Choose Your Own Adventure series of books.

Oh we say, what we really want are more movies based on books. And Fox then set out on a heroic journey to find the books that they could most ironically acquire the rights to. I guess Universal beat them to 50 Shades of Grey, but it must have been close. At least that has a demonstrated market. One filled with people I don’t want to acknowledge exist, who I imagine TK will spend a lot of time with at a midnight showing when he inevitably reviews it.

But Choose Your Own Adventure? You know what a film version of a book looks like where you pick what happens next? We call those video games. Congratulations Fox, you just paid somebody to be allowed to make a video game. I also have a rock I’d like to sell you. It keeps lions away for the low price of one billion dollars.

Fox has excitedly proclaimed that the series will be: “a cross-platform four-quadrant action adventure franchise”.

If I was a physician, if a coma patient uttered that sentence, I would consider it medical evidence of brain death and recommend that the family pull the plug. As it is, it’s the gleeful press release of one of the largest entertainment companies in the world. So rather than wasting more words, I’m just going to go back to my garage and keep building that atomic weapon.

You would not believe how many relatively common items clogging landfills by the thousands contain minute quantities of radioactive material. Maybe I should sell Fox the movie rights to that fact.

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.