It’s said, possibly apocryphally (which is a fancy way of saying that it’s a clever lie about the past), that when William Gibson saw Blade Runner in the theater, he left halfway through and had a nervous breakdown in the street because the images he saw on the screen were the same as the ones he was seeing in his head while writing the half-finished Neuromancer. Somehow I doubt that he’d have the same reaction to whatever comes out the recent rumors of a remake/reboot/TV series/game show/tentacle fest that is currently in the works for Blade Runner.
Alcon Entertainment is in final talks to acquire the “film, television and ancillary franchise rights to produce prequels and sequels.” That doesn’t sound terrible at face value, it really doesn’t sound like anything. What does Alcon have to say?
“This is a major acquisition for our company, and a personal favorite film for both of us. We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multiplatform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium.”
Oh yeah, speak marketing to me, baby. But we can’t completely hold that against them, I mean that’s just how marketing people talk, it’s a genetic thing. So let’s start digging until we are completely unsatisfied.
First, the producers of the resultant film are going to be Andrew Kosove, Broderick Johnson, and Cynthia Sikes Yorkin. We’ll get to the first two in a second (they own Alcon Entertainment). Know why Cynthia Sikes Yorkin is producing? Well the guy who is trying to sell the film rights is Bud Yorkin. Cynthia Sikes Yorkin is his former Miss Kansas wife who is 28 years his junior and has been producer on exactly one film: a late nineties television movie called “Sins of Silence,” that was a rape drama starring Ms. Yorkin and Holly Marie Combs. TK will be reviewing it imminently I’m sure.
Don’t cry yet, it gets better! Want to know all of the great films that Alcon Entertainment (and Andrew Kosove and Broderick Johnson) has been responsible for? Here’s the complete list!
1. Joyful Noise (2012)
2. Dolphin Tale (2011)
3. The Apparition (2011)
4. Late Bloomer (2011)
5. Something Borrowed (2011)
6. Lottery Ticket (2010/I)
7. The Book of Eli (2010)
8. The Blind Side (2009)
9. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (2008)
10. One Missed Call (2008)
11. P.S. I Love You (2007)
12. The Wicker Man (2006)
13. 16 Blocks (2006)
14. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)
15. Racing Stripes (2005)
16. Chasing Liberty (2004)
17. Love Don’t Cost a Thing (2003)
18. Insomnia (2002/I)
19. The Affair of the Necklace (2001)
20. Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)
21. My Dog Skip (2000)
22. Dude Cam (2000)
23. Lost & Found (1999)
That’s right! Blade Runner will be brought to you by the same brilliant producers who gifted the world with The Wicker Man and The Blind Side, and 21 other films so mediocre that I can’t remember enough about them to bother hating them. I just hope that Nicolas Cage is available to play the role of Deckard.
In case you’re wondering, I’ve already checked, and the answers for why this is happening to us do not exist at the bottom of the bottle.