Did you hear the news? Or did you maybe just hear the sound of a million comedy angels singing out in perfect unison? That was the sound of the world hearing that Channing Tatum will be starring in a remake of Splash. And while, sure, we’re all tired of the constant reboots and sequels, Tatum has earned a huge amount of faith by way of the 21 Jump Street reboot. Enough to make us trust that this won’t just be any old remake.
If you’re still not excited, it can only be because I haven’t yet mentioned the biggest selling point. Splash, of course, is the story of a man (Tom Hanks in the original) who is saved by a mermaid (Darryl Hannah), years after the two had a chance childhood underwater meet cute. But in the remake, Tatum isn’t taking over Hanks’ role. Nope, he’s going to be the damn mermaid. And to make matters even better, the Hanks role will be played by Jillian Bell, of 22 Jump Street and Workaholics.
Bell’s ultra-dry style is a perfect fit for this woman-meets-merman tale. She should have skepticism and charming judgment listed on her resume under Special Skills. Can you imagine the moment she sees a naked Tatum coming out of the water? I feel like my entire life has been building towards seeing that moment.
Speaking of, we need to address the necessary R or at least PG-13 rating that this reboot will require. Because there is NO WAY Channing Tatum was cast in this role without those in charge having fully appreciated his potential use of fins—
As well as legs.
I mean, the man looks good wet.
Like, REALLY good.
So don’t you try to tell me that wasn’t a factor. There are a lot of questions and requests we’re sure to have going in here. Like, who will play Bell’s character’s older sibling? In the original, it was John Candy as Hanks’ womanizing brother. An obvious correlation for that role is maybe Amy Schumer, but may I suggest for our outside-the-box consideration, another possibility:
However, if you’re looking for a sexy, funny, sharp blonde, there’s maybe only one perfect choice.
So what else do we need to know? Well, what is the I Heart NY t-shirt equivalent of Channing merman outfit? Might it be some sort of sailor uniform? And what is his name going to be? Hannah’s character named herself Madison, based on the street sign she happened to be walking past. Is it weird that I still want the merman version of the character to pick the exact same name?
No matter what, this movie is, at least in idea phase, brilliant beyond belief. If you don’t agree, let me again direct your attention to the image of this man discovering the full potential of his own legs: