I thought today would be a good time to review what’s trending on Facebook so that you can realize just how truly embarrassed we should be as a species. Or at least as a bunch of lazy people with enough disposable income to click on crap on Facebook all day. Assuming that those driving Facebook trends are a representative sample of the human race is probably insulting. I’d get outraged about it, but then I’d become a trend on Facebook as well. And we don’t do ouroboros in this establishment. Not since we saw Human Centipede
Here are the top ten trending stories on Facebook as of midnight eastern time, along with my judicious and objective classification of each item.
Translation: OUTRAGE. Target of said outrage responds with OUTRAGE.
2. Vlad the Impaler: Archaeologists believe they’ve found dungeon where real-life ‘Dracula’ character was held
History is cool!
3. Boston Herald: Newspaper’s cartoonist apologizes for Obama watermelon cartoon, calling it an innocent mistake
4. Justice League: Throne of Atlantis: Official debut trailer released; film set to hit theaters in spring 2015
There are no plans for this to hit theaters. It’s direct to video. NERD OUTRAGE.
5. Miguel Cabrera: Detroit Tigers 1st baseman turns down playoff bonus, reiterates his desire to win World Series
“I, a millionaire, graciously refuse to take extra money from a billionaire, out of the purity of my quest for a diamond ring.” BREAD AND CIRCUSES OUTRAGE.
6. Jim Root: Guitarist says he was fired from Stone Sour via phone call
GUITARIST WANTS YOU TO FEEL OUTRAGE ON HIS BEHALF.
7. Stalker: CBS crime drama premieres 1st episode, but many reviews criticize its violent nature
New television show about violent crimes has violence in it. OUTRAGE.
8. Point Lay, Alaska: 35,000 walruses come ashore due to a lack of sea ice
Science is cool!
9. Lamborghini: Auto company unveils the Asterion, its 1st hybrid vehicle; car still has top speed of 199 mph
Fast cars! That reminds me of the word … furious. Which is a synonym for … OUTRAGE.
10. Mila Kunis: Actress gives birth to baby girl with partner Ashton Kutcher
Hot actress most people like has baby with douche that most people don’t. OUTRAGE.
Notice any patterns? I don’t see any except the sort of trending news you’d expect of a highly literate society deeply concerned with the nuances of its own ultimate fate in the universe.