Hello, children. Because I am a benevolent man who pities your pathetic existences, here are a bunch of new posters for the upcoming G.I. Joe: Retaliation, a film that looks utterly ridiculous and that I plan to watch the ass off of. Speaking of asses, it appears that it’s not possible to have a female character poster without showing off some ass. Case in point: Elodie Yung as Jinx
We’ve also got Bruce Willis as a gun-toting accountant (actually, he’s playing General Joe Colton, aka The Original Joe)
Then there’s Charming Potato, looking particularly tuberish, as Duke:
And the new guy, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Roadblock. Strangely, they opted to eschew the three things that make him interesting — namely, his arms, his abs, and his smile, but whatever:
To make up for it, here’s the ab-tacular Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow. Now this? This is a yummy piece of hot n’ sweaty crumbcake:
And his silent good guy counterpart, Ray Park as Snake Eyes. Mercifully, his mask doesn’t have friggin’ lips this time:
For whatever reason, Adrianne Palicki’s Lady Jaye gets two posters, likely because she’s just that goddamn attractive.. I will never complain of too much Adrianne Palicki, unless we’re talking about the unaired “Wonder Woman” pilot. Otherwise, damn.
Last but certainly not least, Cobra Commander, who will not be played by Joseph Gordon Levitt this time around, nor is he wearing that weird lobster-faced mask like he did at the end of the first film. The unconfirmed rumor is that he’s being played by Faran Tahir.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation is directed by John Chu (Step Up 2 and 3), which would scare the nuts off of me except for the fact that the film was written by Zombieland scribes Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick. It also stars Arnold Vosloo as Zartan, Ray Stevenson as Firefly, RZA as Blind Master, and Walton Goggins as a Warden Nigel James, a new character.