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What Did You Do, Wake Up This Morning And Say, "Today, I'm Going To Ruin A Man's Life?" Remake Rumors That'll Crack Your Soul

By TK Burton | Industry | August 29, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Industry | August 29, 2011 |

Hello, you disgusting, useless, ass-gargling trolls. How was your weekend? Good? I don’t care. I hope it your toilet bowl was filled with lampreys. Here’s news on some remakes that will likely make that infection worse.

First of all, there is news that Sam Raimi’s Ghost House Pictures wants to remake The Grudge, based on the 2000 film Juon, directed by Takashi Shimizu. Anyone who knows anything about the subject matter knows how bizarre this is, since Juon spawned a sequel, and then was remade with an American cast (starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, in a truly horrendous film). Then, the American film had two sequels of its own. That makes five movie total, and even stranger, they’re all directed by Shimizu… with varying degrees of competence. I guess what I’m saying is, haven’t we had enough of The Grudge? I sure as shit have.

Next up on the remake block, one of the few decent films ever made by Joel Schumacher — 1990’s Flatliners. I actually have great fondness for Flatliners — it was a surprisingly original, interesting film, dealing with near death experiences and haunting, vengeful pasts catching up with you. The cast was pretty lights-out at the time, too — Kiefer Sutherland, Kevin Bacon, Julia Roberts, William Baldwin and Oliver Platt. I still thoroughly enjoy Flatliners once a year or so. In any event, Sony just tapped The Source Code writer Ben Ripley to take a crack at “a contemporary reimagining” which, I just… ugh. Phrases like that give me hives.

And lastly, the news that makes me want to put all of your hands down a garbage disposal, Fox’s remake of Romancing The Stone. For those who haven’t seen Robert Zemeckis’ unheralded 1984 film, dear god, stop what you’re doing and go watch it. It’s goddamn brilliant. Michael Douglas was a stunning effective action hero, a charming, arrogant rogue who played his part beautifully. Kathleen Turner was Kathleen Turner — that is to say, knee-knockingly sexy and generally fantastic. Danny Devito killed as the smarmy crook Ralph, and the whole film was just perfect. So, yeah, let’s remake the fuck out of it, right?

To make matters worse, Fox (fucking Fox, man) is apparently hoping to snag Katherine Heigl to play romance novelist Joan Wilder. That’s… problematic. Let’s leave it there. To play the role of Jack Colton, they’re looking at either the muscle-shaped slab of wood that is Taylor Kitsch, or Gerard Butler. Butler would probably work out in some ways, but his previous romantic effort with Heigl was that bucket of shit shoved in the face of man and God, The Ugly Truth. And I shudder to think what kind of “updating” Fox has in mind if that’s the direction they’re headed in.

Well, to ease the burning a little bit, here’s the trailer for Romancing The Stone. It’s actually one of the best trailers of all time. Seriously, check it out. It’s goddamn brilliant.

(Souces: FSR and Slashfilm)

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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