Joaquin Phoenix will return to Letterman’s “The Late Show,” on the 22nd of this month, and I guess unretire from not really retiring at all. Or something. Anyway, this news was so important that I received a press release, the headline of which read:
“Just announced this morning - On September 22nd, Joaquin Phoenix will return to The Late Show With David Letterman!!!!”
This is serious goddamn business people: Four exclamation marks serious. I wasn’t going to announce it, but the fourth exclamation mark pushed me over.
While I’m on the subject of publicists, I appreciate it when you guys send me emails and press releases and preface said emails with, “Love the site. Read it every day.” I’m flattered. Truly. However, if you actually read the site every goddamn day, you’d know that I don’t work with publicists. It’s an ethos. And I’ll tell you why: Publicists have an amazing propensity for using a lot of words, an unnecessary amount of punctuation, and the excessive use of bold and ALL CAPS to say absolutely nothing. So, while I appreciate the time and effort you put in to holding down the CAPS LOCK key (or conversely, cutting and pasting other people’s absence of meaning into an email), I’m not as thrilled at the prospect of wasting my own time to decipher meaning that does not exist.
Noomi Rapace, which is seriously my favorite Hollywood name this side of Imogen Poots, has signed on to play the female lead in Sherlock Holmes 2. I have no clue what character that will be, but: Noomi. Say it. Out loud. In your cubicle. It’s a lot of fun. You know what’d be even more fun. If Noomi Rapace married Imogen Poots and took her last name. Noomi Poots. Why am I cackling like a 5th grader? (THR)
In other news that someone else probably read in a press release, Keanu Reeves has signed on to a film called Generation Um, which will be directed by Mark L. Mann. It follows “a day in the life of Reeves’ character and his two cohorts as they live life on the fringe, immersed in sex, drugs and indecision. As they navigate their daily routine of bars and crowds, they embark on a path of self-discovery.” If I had Tourette’s, I’d shout “NAVEL GAZING BULLSHIT,” every time I twitched while reading that synopsis. (Variety)
Matthew McConaughey and Emile Hirsch are set to star in the black comedy, Killer Joe, which will be directed by William Friedkin (Exorcist) and written by Pulitzer Prize winning Tracy Letts. The movie centers on a brother (Hirsch) and sister who plot the death of their mother in order to collect insurance money; “Killer Joe” Cooper (McConaughey), a cop and contract killer, is hired to perform the hit, which he will no doubt do smelling like an old beer can. (THR)
Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna, who co-starred together in y tu Mama Tambien, are both now set to join Will Ferrell in Ferrell’s Spanish-language comedy Casa de mi padre. Luna will play Ferrell’s brother, while Bernal will play a family friend. (THR)
Scott Speedman will play an English professor in the gothic horror movie, The Moth Diaries, which will be directed by Mary Harron (American Psycho). (THR)
Justin Bieber is going to be on “CSI.” Here’s a clip. Scrub accordingly after viewing.