Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, the guys who made Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs, are using the social capital that it bought them to get on board the film remake of “21 Jump Street.” Well shit, at least they’re using their new found success to ensure that they have the freedom to pursue their unique artistic vision. Do Phil and Christopher still have their old trapper keepers emblazoned with “I Love Johnny” in glue-on fake rhinestones? When they use their own hands to practice french kissing do they argue over who gets to make out with Johnny and who gets stuck making out with Richard Grieco? I smell a sponsorship deal with Tiger Beat and Jordache!
Well don’t let your surviving brain cells get too comfortable because Wes Craven is topping that with a new horror film called My Soul to Take. It was originally called 25/8 until someone explained to Craven that “our days go to 25 hours and our weeks to 8 days” is not actually what the kids would call “hip” these days.
The film is about a serial killer (Craven could make a sequel to The Care Bears and it would have a serial killer) who gets killed and swears to kill the seven children born the same night he dies. How does he know seven children were born? Was he close personal friends with Septimom, or had he just happened to visit the natal unit at the hospital that afternoon? And really, if I was a serial killer getting whacked by the virtuous town folk, I’d find it more cathartic to swear vengeance on the people actually killing me, not some mewling brats over at the hospital. And since it’s set in a small town, which is surely quaint and surrounded by a creepy forest, how did they have seven kids born the same day? Is synchronized baby squirting the next NASCAR?
Well, maybe we’ll get an interesting villain out of the piece, I mean it is Wes Motherfucking Craven, right? Here’s how Craven described the villain: “He’s kind of a figure who lives under the river, sleeps under the bridges, deep in the woods - he’s been that way for sixteen years. Eats bark.”
That sounds like either a racoon or the Unabomber. Does he at least look wicked creepy?
Yeah, so he came up with an albino Klingon. Great job, Wes.
Where in the hour of ultimate stupidity can we turn to wrap right back around to hilarity? Where else? The CW. Here is perhaps the most hilarious thing that I have ever seen broadcast on network television:
That dog is so many kinds of awesome that he just grew back his snipped-off balls.