We’ve reached a point in pop-culture where a character comprised of four I-beams and a sarcastic personality can carry a movie. Yet Taylor Lautner continues to topline theatrically released motion pictures.
Here are three loglines for Lautner’s new film, Tracers. Sadly, one is accurate, the other two figments of my imagination. See if you can guess which one is real?
1. Stefan Periwinkle (Lautner) is Chicago’s most in-demand parkour-based janitor. But he’s forced to clean up more than urinals after a one-night stand with a model/hot dog vendor (Adele Exarchopoulos) sets off a lethal gang war that threatens to tear the city apart.
2. New York City bike messenger Cam (Lautner) is the hottest thing on two wheels, but is in debt to an organized crime gang. When he crashes his bike into a sexy stranger, Nikki, Cam is immediately seduced by her and the thrill of the world of parkour.
3. Former elite Special Forces commander Jackson Marblejaw (Lautner) lost everything when an enemy he thought long dead returned to murder his family. When an opportunity for vengeance presents itself, Marblejaw asks a legendary Arabic grandmaster (Christian Bale) and his Asian assistant (Kevin Hart) to teach him the ancient art of parkour.
Can you guess which synopsis is true? Record your answer in the survey below and I’ll be back later with the corr…oh who the fuck cares I’m not making you sit through this garbage again. It’s the one where he’s a goddamn bike messenger assassin. Here’s a trailer. Sorry to ruin your Friday.
This isn’t a movie. It’s a Key & Peele sketch. A bad one. Someone earning a high six-figure salary listened to the pitch for this parkour bike messenger nonsense starring Taylor Lautner and responded, “Brilliant, here is millions of dollars.” Feels like this person might be working as a bike messenger soon considering Tracers doesn’t even have a domestic release date. France, however, is still willing to roll dice on Lautner. Tracers will open
at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival in regular old Surrenderville theaters on February 25, 2015. When reached for comment, France replied, “We just saw the trailer. Can we return to Nazi occupation instead?”
Tracers stars Lautner, Marie Avgeropoulos, Adam Rayner and Rafi Gavron, and is directed by someone named Daniel Benmayor. He helmed such classics as Bruc, the Manhunt and Paintball.