Of course, unless someone invents a cure for death, you’ll die even if you’re not watching television. But science has now demonstrated that, the more television you watch, the quicker you’re you’re likely to die. On average. Give or take the margin of error.
Seriously, though. Turn off your television. It’s killing you. It’s making you fat. It’s giving you diabetes. It’s giving you heart disease. You’ll probably have to have a bypass. And then have a leg amputated. All because you just had to see all five season of “The Wire,” you asshole. Your death is going to be gruesome. But probably not as gruesome as those douche-bags who jog: They’re going to get hit by a bus. And they won’t even find out what happened to Stringer Bell. And then we’re going to have to miss that latest episode of “Men of a Certain Age” to attend their funeral.
Anyway, according to a six-to-ten year study of around 175,000 people around the world, a news analysis in the Journal of the American Medical Association has concluded that for every two hours that you spend each day watching television, your risk for diabetes increases by 20 percent and your risk for heart disease increases by 15 percent. Apparently, watching television is the equivalent of bad cholesterol, high blood pressure, or smoking.
Did you hear that? If you give up television, you can start smoking again, and your risk of dying remains the same (100 percent).
But seriously, get off your ass. It’s not the television that’s killing you, you schmuck. The average American watches five hours of television a day (amateurs!) but it’s not the tube. It’s the sedentary lifestyle. It’s the shitty food you’re consuming while you’re watching TV. It’s what you’re not doing (walking, fornicating, thinking) while you are watching TV. If you sit too long, you’re metabolism will slow. Then that shitty food you eat will go to your thighs. And then you’ll have to start wearing pants with elastic bands. And then you’ll start to feel judged by the trainers on “The Biggest Loser.” It’s bad news, folks. No one wants to feel judged by Jillian Michaels.
The lesson? Read the Internet more.