This Is Where You Fall Down
Stop it. Just stop it, OK? Stop making Mortal Kombat movies. Stop making movies about fighting games, period. They’re never good. They can’t be good. It’s hard enough to make a decent video game even when there’s a compelling story in the game — Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Hitman, Max Payne — all games with actual stories that were actually interesting… all ranging from decent to downright terrible. Fighting games though? Allow me to take you on a quick tour back in time:
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li — Chris Klein in what will likely be remembered as a career-killing performance (for the best, really).
Dead Or Alive — Ass. Lots of ass. That’s about it.
Double Dragon — Scott Wolf embarassing himself on a level previously unheard of, except for…
Street Fighter — Oh, Raul Julia. What a tragic way to end a phenomenal career.
Tekken — supposedly to be released this year. Prisco ran the trailer recently, thankfully saving me from having to watch it. I tried. I made it 25 seconds in before I started brainbarfing.
As Prisco said in that post, “The danger of adapting fighting videogames is that there isn’t a single storyline to adhere to.” He’s right. The stories in fighting games don’t suck — there is no story. Not one of any substance, anyway.
But why should that stop anyone. Left off of that list is, of course, the Mortal Kombat movies. Two movies, equally stupid. I will begrudgingly admit that there is a slight humor value to be found — entirely by accident, mind you — but otherwise, they’re shit. They even spawned a television show, which I watched a single episode of and then promptly abandoned what little belief in a higher power I once had. But Warner Brothers is planning to reboot the franchise. According to Bloody Disgusting, Oren Uziel, who wrote the supposedly good but left-to-die screenplay Shimmer Lake, is in talks to write it. I don’t care. No offense, Mr. Uziel, but it’s going to suck. It’s science. It’s not even your fault, really.
But it goes to show the new Hollywood formula: When you’re out of ideas, make a sequel. When you’re out of sequels, remake something. When you’re out of remakes, reboot something. And eventually, when you’re out of reboots, just start driving to the audience’s houses and punching them in the genitals. Cuts out the middleman, saves you some money.